The catch-22 of pursuing perfection: Why it depletes our self-esteem
Perfectionism. It’s such a familiar paradox, isn’t it? Especially for people who self-identify or have been told they are high-achievers. It often begins with having high standards and striving to meet goals, which sounds like a positive trait to have. In school reports, and feedback during higher education or in the workplace, you may have been told you are meticulous, disciplined or ambitious. Perhaps early in your life, you recognised that gaining achievements was a great boost for your self-worth. However, perfectionism often comes at a great personal cost as we try to push ourselves further and further to meet the impossible standards that we believe are expected of us… or as we uncover what we expect of ourselves.
A central theme seen in perfectionism is this relentless pursuit of ‘being perfect’ and without flaw. Situations are often viewed from all-or-nothing thinking (an unhelpful thinking style) where anything less than perfect is a ‘complete failure’. Additionally, although it may be recognised that human beings aren’t completely perfect it is still an expectation that we may have of ourselves.
It follows in circumstances where we feel we weren’t ‘up to standard’, we might magnify mistakes or shortcomings. What happens in response is that we start engaging in self-criticism. People with perfectionism are usually their own harshest critics. We ignore any accomplishments they have achieved and will compare themselves to others, continually criticising struggles to reach goals.
Common thoughts in response to perceived failures may be:
“I should have been able to do x, y and z… whilst also maintaining a, b and c”
“Next time I will just try harder”
“I’m pathetic/I’m a failure as I didn’t manage this”
“I’m not good enough”
This highlights the expectations that pushing themselves further is the way to reach a goal, with constant self-criticism which creates a negative self-image for themselves, with emotions such as shame and self-loathing rising to the surface. These emotions are often very painful and diminish self-esteem over time.
In particular, if we start ignoring the things that we have achieved, or dismiss when we are successful then we are no longer gaining the self-worth than motivated towards perfectionistic behaviours and beliefs in the first place. For instance, common phrases in response to reaching a goal or completing a task may be:
“I was just lucky this time…”
“The only reason I did well was because the task was easier than I anticipated”
“Everybody else could do what I managed, therefore it was only expected of me”
“Now I need to reach a new goal”
This means that we not giving ourselves credit and recognition when we have accomplished something.
What tends to drive perfectionism is a deep-seated fear of failure. This fear of not meeting high standards can feel paralysing for people with perfectionism.
What happens in response to being afraid of failure often results in two different ways of coping: overcompensating or avoidance.
The risk with overcompensating is that the drive and pressure to be perfect means that self-care and general well-being may become neglected, which leads to exhaustion and chronic stress which damages self-esteem.
The risk with avoidance tactics such as procrastination, or not trying new things is that it is then used to reinforce feelings of inadequacy which damages self-esteem.
So, how do I break free from this catch-22 situation?
Trying setting realistic goals: If we consider reorientating our thinking to ‘the journey and not the destination’ we can start celebrating our progress rather than our pursuit of perfection. We can start with incremental achievable goals which can build to a larger goal. As we take time to celebrate our achievements this should help build confidence.
Challenge negative thoughts: Start by identifying negative thoughts, “Am I engaging in all-or-nothing thinking? Am I catastrophising? Am I dismissing the positives?”. Next, search for facts (not opinions!) regarding our thoughts and see if we can come up with a more balanced alternative. This can help our self-esteem as we are not accepting negative thoughts at face value.
Practice words of self-compassion: A good starting point for self-compassion is considering the kindness that we would offer to a friend in our situation. Ask “am I being harsh?” what would I say to a friend?” often the answer is something more compassionate than our initial reaction.
Practice self-care as part of being compassionate: You are only human, and we all need time to switch off. Try to make time for activities that help look after your well-being and soothe yourself. Whether this is taking a break, or making time for yourself and your hobbies. Go for a run, try to get adequate sleep, and catch up with friends. Take care of yourself.
Get support: Speak with loved ones or a professional about your struggles. Sharing your problems might help you to feel better, or change your perspective about perceived shortcomings. In addition, professional support can offer tailored strategies to help you manage.
Perfectionism can be a major hindrance to self-esteem, but it does not have to be a lifelong struggle. Understanding the causes of perfectionism and using practical techniques to cope with it can help you create a more compassionate relationship with yourself. By letting go of perfectionism we might discover that genuine self-worth stems does not stem from perfection itself, but from showing kindness and accepting yourself as you learn and grow.
-Corinne Tatem