Considering change and dealing with setbacks: What to do when things go wrong when you’re desperate for them to be right

‘How many self help books does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the light bulb really has to want to change.’

Change. It’s hard.

At certain times in our lives, we find ourselves unhappy about some of our habits and routines and start to wonder things would be like if we made different changes to improve our situations. This is relevant to the incorporation of positive lifestyle changes or the elimination of negative lifestyle choices.

Positive changes can include wanting to get into fitness (running or getting to the gym), eating more healthy, or being mindful of expenses (bringing my lunch to work is an ongoing battle for me personally!).

We can maybe consider this way of thinking or wanting to implement change as being part of our New Year’s resolution way of thinking- the trick, as you might have guessed already, is in having realistic expectations about what kind of positive change might be possible in your life (believe it or not, it might be a stretch to think you can learn 17 new languages and go to the gym 8 days a week next January).

Adjusting negative behaviors can include the desire to stop smoking, cut back on or stop drinking, spending time on adult websites, excessive shopping, excessive video game consumption, or even gambling. Generally speaking, negative behaviors such as these can become addictive in nature and can lead to physical or chemical dependency.

Change is difficult to action, but is also difficult to note when it might be needed. It can take many of years to realize that something we thought was normal or commonplace, could actually be an issue in our lives that can lead to financial hardship, physical and mental health issues and decline, and or breakdowns in relationships with friends in family. Thinking back to lockdown, many clients that I worked with developed ways of seemingly harmless coping with stress given that became problematic as society resumed.

In this article, I want to explore the process of change and will consider this from a positive and addictions-based lens.

The Transtheoretical Model

The Transtheoretical Model, also known as the Stages of Change, was introduced in 1977 by James Prochaska and Carlo Di Clemente and presented a new approach to conceptualizing change in behavior- particularly with regards to problematic (i.e., addictive) behavior, but also the incorporation of positive habits and change. The term transtheoretical implies that the model can be used or applied to a range of psychological difficulties or disorders.

Pre-contemplation

The pre-contemplative stage is generally marked by one’s not realizing that something that they regularly do is becoming problematic. This is generally when other people around us begin to notice problems developing, but a lack of awareness to the person it’s immediately taking a toll on.

A common example would be someone regularly drinking or taking drugs and others noticing that this is becoming an issue for them.

There is no desire or understanding of a need to change at this stage.

Contemplation

The contemplative stage is when the penny starts to drop- when a person starts to realize that something is becoming an issue or landing them in trouble.

This can be found when a person starts to realize that they’re spending all their money on drugs/alcohol, or that they’re getting in trouble for missing work, being too loud with the neighbors, or realizing that their actions and behaviors are becoming annoying or problematic to friends and loved ones.

Again, there’s no desire or realizing of a need to change at this stage- just an understanding that this is actually becoming an issue.

Action

Okay. This is an issue. It’s actually time to do something about this. I might not know what exactly, but it’s time to make a change.

Great! This is an important step but not one, of course, where we’re necessarily able to sort every detail out- not at first, at least!

If the issue is addictive in nature, this is generally the time when someone either starts to speak to friends or family, or considers professional help.

It’s at this stage when someone starts to analyze their routines and begins implementing strategies to change their habits. For example, if you’re trying to quit smoking, this might be the time when try patches or chewing gum to avoid the habit of smoking. If you’re trying to quit drinking, this might be the time when you experiment with ordering a non-alcoholic beer or a soda water and lime so that you still feel comfortable with something in your hand, but not the addictive item or substance that you’re trying to eliminate.

What’s important to note about this stage, again, is that we don’t always get it right at first and that’s fine. This is an experimental phase where we get some things right and some things wrong. We want to learn what works and what doesn’t.

Maintenance

The maintenance stage is when we really have it figured out- we’ve been successful in eliminating the addictive behavior and we’ve found the right strategies to stay on top of it. Sticking to change is actually pretty easy at this stage as a new habit has become routine and a regular occurrence in your life. This usually evidenced by an extended period of abstinence and/or continuous engagement with more healthy/positive behaviors- 6 months of change is generally considered to be indicative of the maintenance stage.

It’s important to continue to engage with support at this stage and to be mindful of potential setbacks- keeping a vigilant eye on maintaining positive behaviors and routines.

Relapse

The fact of the matter is that slips happen. A lapse can occur when one has a drink after a period of abstinence while a relapse is when one reverts back to a problematic or addictive behavior (i.e., resumes drinking after abstaining).

When it comes to addictions or changing our behaviors, this a reality and is something that we need to be on the lookout for.

Some approaches to therapy or schools of thought might consider a lapse as ‘starting over’ or starting back at zero. This mindset might encourage people to resume the behavior as they fear they might have ‘ruined’ any progress (‘what’s the point?’ thoughts).

Should a lapse occur, it's important to understand what went wrong and what to be on the lookout for in the future. This doesn’t need to be the end, but is quite often part of the process. We should see a lapse as a return to the action or maintenance stage rather than a return to zero.

Change comes in waves and in stages. Sometimes we don’t always get it right the first time- that’s a reality that we need to be prepared for.

It’s also important to note that some difficulties might require specialized help, support, and intervention. A person who has developed a severe chemical dependency to drugs or alcohol might require detoxification or specific medication to manage the extent of immediate symptoms. Sometimes this might need to be facilitated by in-patient treatment (in hospital or a private rehabilitation facility) and under the guidance of doctors and pharmacists. While the information above might still be relevant, a more involved course of treatment might be required.

If you have been considering making changes to your routine by incorporating more positive habits and/or eliminating negative or addictive behaviors, contact us at MAPP Psychology to learn what can be done today.

-Dr. Adam Lorenzen